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Author Topic: The joke thread!  (Read 80481 times)
Shimmer's_trainer
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« on: June 30, 2008, 02:00:31 pm »

A disturbing lack of jokes doing the rounds here, so I thought I'd start this 'ere thread

Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist she needed
some cyanide. The Pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?" Sarah explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license; they'll throw us in jail...bad things will happen! Absolutely
not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed... with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture
and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Logged

I am so omniscient that if there was to be two omnisciences, I would be both.
Also, WDoV and stuff
Shimmer's_trainer
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« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2008, 02:01:35 pm »

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they both were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch, The doctor then adjusted the machine to go 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
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I am so omniscient that if there was to be two omnisciences, I would be both.
Also, WDoV and stuff
derc
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« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2008, 02:15:14 pm »

50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY,

OR JUST SCARE THE PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
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"He who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself; and if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze into you."
bellatrix the strange
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« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2008, 04:31:07 am »

 

Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy
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Itís funny how the colours of the real world only seem really real when you viddy them on the screen.
bellatrix the strange
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« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2008, 04:32:08 am »

A disturbing lack of jokes doing the rounds here, so I thought I'd start this 'ere thread

Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist she needed
some cyanide. The Pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?" Sarah explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license; they'll throw us in jail...bad things will happen! Absolutely
not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed... with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture
and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY ABOUT ME! HUH?!  Angry

I totally should have been part of the Addams family. Cry
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Itís funny how the colours of the real world only seem really real when you viddy them on the screen.
Shimmer's_trainer
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« Reply #5 on: July 05, 2008, 05:31:16 pm »

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY ABOUT ME! HUH?!  Angry

I totally should have been part of the Addams family. Cry

err... nuffink, nuffink at all *scurries off to hide*



I worked as a stand-up comedian in an old people's home once........

None of them understood my jokes but they still p***ed themselves.

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I am so omniscient that if there was to be two omnisciences, I would be both.
Also, WDoV and stuff
Millam
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« Reply #6 on: July 05, 2008, 08:42:54 pm »

OMG That's a great photo!!! lol

This one's titled... How a dragon gets his dinner.


Sometimes you can find some crazy crap when you play with google search
« Last Edit: July 05, 2008, 08:45:37 pm by Millam » Logged
el
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« Reply #7 on: July 08, 2008, 11:06:51 am »

Airline Conversation with a Little Girl

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know [bad noun]?'
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vargragg
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« Reply #8 on: July 10, 2008, 08:02:25 pm »

One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead men got up to fight
Back-to-back, they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
A deaf policeman heard the noise
And came and shot those two dead boys
If you don't believe this lie is true
Ask the blind man - he saw it too.
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shefly
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« Reply #9 on: July 10, 2008, 09:14:42 pm »

The bank Robber

 


 A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

 Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks,

 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

 The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'

 The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

 He then turned to a couple standing nearby.

 He asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

 The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

 green grin blue grin
 
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brace yourself for immediate disintegration
vargragg
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« Reply #10 on: July 11, 2008, 08:35:34 am »

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
 
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
 
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."
 
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
 
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came to see him.
 
"How many customers bought something from you today?
 
The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average
20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
 
The kid says "$101,237.65". The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck
did you sell?"
 
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
 
Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
 
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
 
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the
coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
 
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."
 
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a BOAT and a TRUCK is that right?"
 
And kid answered "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his
wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
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derc
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« Reply #11 on: July 12, 2008, 03:34:41 pm »

THEY'RE MADE OUT OF MEAT


"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"So ... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat."

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."

the end
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"He who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself; and if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze into you."
Charmed
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« Reply #12 on: July 13, 2008, 12:25:14 pm »

I cannot help myself any more, it is time for the nerdy jokes to enter here, so please procede to the following with caution. red wink


Q: What do you get when you mix iron, bromine, uranium, argon, and yttrium?
A: FeBrUArY.

Q: Where does bad light go?
A: To a prism.

A man is ambling along when he sees a series of resistors lying in his neighbor's garden. Confused, he walks up to his neighbor and asks her about it. She smiles sheepishly and says, "I have a lot of Garden Ohms, I know.

Two protons walk into a bar talking about a mutual friend.
Proton 1: Did you hear Electron 7 got thrown into orbit and wasn't happy about it?
Proton 2: Yeah, well. He's always been negative that way.

A Physicist, a Marine Biologist and a Chemist are at the beach together.
The Physicist, upon seeing all the waves, gets very excited and runs into the water, disappearing.
The Marine Biologist, aware of tremendous variety of marine life in the ocean, also gets very excited, and runs into the water, disappearing.
The Chemist pulls out her notebook, and writes "The Physicist and the Marine Biologist are soluble in water".

Q: While walking into a lab, how does one know which lab is it?...
A: - If it's green and wobbles - it's a biology lab.
    - If it's stink - it's a chemistry lab
    - And if it doesn't work - it's a physics lab...

A small furry animal walks into a bar, orders a drink. Bartender looks at him, says "Sorry, the occupancy is 6.022x10^23. We cannot serve a mole."



red teeth red teeth red teeth red teeth red teeth

OK, that will do for now, but I have plenty more where these came from MWUAHAHAHAHAHA red tongue
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Millam
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« Reply #13 on: July 13, 2008, 02:42:32 pm »

Some things to think about ...  HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029 Ozone
created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's
third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more
years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No
other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight
loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year
in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed
they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every
High School in United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for
4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and
Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030 .

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
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derc
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« Reply #14 on: July 13, 2008, 04:43:54 pm »

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"He who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself; and if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze into you."
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